VULNERABLE
Jo from ICurvy suggested this week's theme and it has been amazing. People have been digging deep and being so brave by showing their vulnerabilities. It has truly been very thought provoking.
Here's the thing. To look from the outside, I look pretty strong. I am smart, have a successful career, great kids and was married for 25 years. I am articulate and persuasive and have been told that I can be intimidating which really bugs me because that is never my intention. I can speak in front of a hall of strangers without breaking a sweat and I know this is a gift because so many others are crippled with anxiety about that. I am fiercely protective of the people I love and there are many of them. I have learned to be self reliant and to value what I bring to the world.
But just like yin and yang, all attributes have a positive and a negative side and this is my weakness. Because despite what I have written above , there is that voice in my head that says "you don't deserve to feel really secure in love"
My body does and doesn't come into it. I have always been fat. Not as fat as I am now but never skinny. Being overweight and half blind as a child meant I was not good at sport and being the oldest of six, that meant I was not encouraged to be sporty. After all there were plenty of other things I was good at that I could concentrate on. I was never encouraged to take an interest in clothes as a teenager because you couldn't easily get fashionable clothes above size 12, so I sewed mine. I didn't have a classic beauty so I rarely played with makeup until recently.
I received the message as a young woman that I should be grateful to anyone who could love someone overweight like me. Even this year when daring to express a desire to meet someone new for the later half of my life I was told by my mother that my chances were pretty slim with the weight I am currently carrying! As if that thought hadn't occurred to me!
Despite those messages I am at peace with my body. I don't LOVE it but I accept it as part of me and I don't do battle with myself over it.
My dress style reflects the strength that I have had to develop. I put a lot of effort into looking "put together" at work. I try to dress to be approachable but still have authority. The message is " I might be overweight but don't you dare think that makes me lazy or stupid." My clothes are often quite structured and I wear shapewear frequently to give me smooth lines.
Today's outfit reflects a more vulnerable me.
Portraying a strong outer shell is my protection. In years of marriage I didn't realise but I was building walls to protect myself from hurt. Hurt because I didn't feel understood or supported. Hurt because I was told pretty early in the piece to be responsible for my own happiness. Its actually not bad advice really but at the time it felt like I was being pushed away. So I shut down and probably became less available and loving in return. End of confession and please don't think I am putting someone down. On the outside I am that strong confident woman but it's not always the same on the inside.
Vulnerability is not weakness. Actually I think it is quite the opposite. This dress reflects my desire to be vulnerable. To be open to being loved and to feel safe to bring the barriers down.
The fabric is soft and textured. The hem is really short for me which you cant see because we forgot to shoot a standing picture. But a short hem shows my very chubby knees. A part of my body I am not comfortable showing off.
It clearly does nothing to hide my big tummy.
But it invites hugs.
And it makes me feel open. Barriers down but warm and giving in return. When you open your heart you take a risk that hurt will come instead of joy. That is being vulnerable.
Perhaps vulnerability is not a thing to fear but a thing to embrace.
The other Aussie Curves women have been wonderfully open and awesome this week. Go check them out. It will be worth it. We have each other's back and I am very grateful.
